Marriage 101 :: Advice from Year #1

Yesterday we celebrated the past year of wonderful memories together. Now, don’t get me wrong… we have had our share of fights…but as the months passed we argued less and less, and laughed more and more. Our home is a relatively peaceful one (shocking, I know with us two crazies in it! 😉 and for that I’m so thankful. This year we have cried together, laughed together, and learned a LOT together. We may be emotional, stubborn, and crazy at times, but we are learning to trust each other. I have loved sharing the past 365 days with my husband. He is my best friend, lover, partner, and teammate!

As our anniversary drew near we’ve been reflecting on the past year and all the ways God set us up for success. We are still newlyweds, so there are PLENTY of couples out there with so much more wisdom than us! But for those of you who are engaged, in a serious relationship, or newly married, we thought we’d share a little bit of advice that has really helped us in Year #1! Check out our top 9 words of wisdom below 🙂

#1 – You MUST have a word from God. This may sound crazy to some of you, but this is the BIGGEST piece of advice I give to couples considering marriage. You have to KNOW that this is the person God has for you. Pray about it, and ask Him to bring you peace. That is THE most important thing to know before you get married. When wedding planning stress kicks in, or people question your relationship, or you have that first big fight, it won’t matter whether or not you were compatible, whether or not you are attracted to each other, or whether or not you get along with each others friends & family. What will get you through the bad days is knowing this is the man or woman that God has for you. His word is the most important thing there is!

#2 – Remember that the purpose of marriage is HOLINESS, not just HAPPINESS. Marriage is supposed to teach us more about God’s love for us, His Bride. It is also supposed to take us through the process of sanctification; making us more like Him. Keep that in mind when you are choosing a spouse. It will not be perfect all the time, and your spouse will not be able to make you happy all the time (no matter how perfect they seem now!) Maybe the person God has for you is not the one that looks great ‘on paper’, or the one that is ‘everything you always wanted’. Maybe it’s the man or woman who challenges you, teaches you, and yes, even frustrates you! God uses our spouse to refine us. Think of it like sandpaper – He will use us to scrub away the parts that don’t look like Him. I had doubts about Rusty at times because he didn’t have every single attribute I planned on. I dreamed of marrying a musician, after all, music is my passion! Sometimes I wondered if we were ‘compatible’ enough. What I didn’t realize is, Rusty is EVERYTHING I’ve ever NEEDED. He loves me, cares for me, and truly challenges me. We make a great team because we complement each other well. God is using my husband to teach me so much, and for that I’m incredibly grateful! I am madly in love with him! I know that when all is said and done, our marriage will be one that glorifies God and we will be more like Him because of it.

#3 – Find a couple to mentor you. I cannot explain just how EXTREMELY IMPORTANT this is! When we got engaged, Michael & Kathy Hindes offered to be a ‘resource’ to us. They opened their lives and their hearts to us. They walked us through pre-marital counseling, and have met with us on a regular basis since we got married. They have shared their experiences with us – both good and bad – so that we could learn from their life and marriage. They have also been an ‘appeal’ process – a place we could go to talk things out if we couldn’t agree on something.

When they offered all this to us, I thought it was very sweet. I had no idea what a HUGE gift they were giving us! I truly believe that Michael & Kathy are a big reason why we are doing so well right now. Their mentoring and availability have helped our marriage flourish!

I believe EVERY married couple should have someone like this in their life – especially at the beginning of their marriage. When selecting this couple, you should look for these qualities:

When you find that couple, remember to be OPEN and HONEST with them. It won’t help your relationship if you hold everything in or pretend you aren’t having problems. We have talked with Michael and Kathy about anything significant that we’ve ever fought about. (even if it seemed stupid at the time!) Because of that, there have been a lot fewer issues we’ve fought about more than once. We talk it out, are usually able to see each others’ side (because we have them as mediators) and they tell us if we were in the wrong (ie if one of us wasn’t listening, was being stubborn, had unreal expectations, etc.) This has helped us prevent big issues or resentment building, which is SO important!

#4 – Move away. I know this is not a possibility for everyone (and might not always be the best idea for every couple), but if it is – GO FOR IT! – even if it just means moving an hour or two away. It is difficult to mesh two separate lives together. Add in family and friends and it becomes even more difficult! I know couples personally who have struggled with this. It was a huge blessing that we decided to move to Michigan for our first year of marriage. Though it was hard, it was also good. We began OUR life together here. We went through homesickness together. We made all the decisions about our house, schedules, church, etc together. When we had problems, our friends and family were far away, so we weren’t tempted to run to them. We learned how to ‘leave’ our families and ‘cleave’ to one another. Being here gave us the opportunity to make a life that’s all our own, instead of trying to ‘fit’ into a life that one of us was already living. I really believe it was the best start for us, and that we’ve grown closer through the process!

#5 – Try to out-serve each other. This is a word of advice we got from a friend. (We had a basket at our wedding where people could drop in their ‘marriage advice’ for us.) Anytime I start to feel grumpy about something – picking up Rusty’s shoes (or the football he leaves all over the house), washing dishes for him, etc – I have thought of this advice. I’m reminded that I am serving him because I love him, and that he serves me a whole lot too! It helps me bite my tongue and serve more cheerfully, instead of getting angry or resentful.

#6 – Be quick to apologize. Rusty is GREAT about this, and I am so, SO thankful for that quality! It’s hard to humble yourself and admit you are wrong, but a sincere apology is one of the best ‘healing balms’ to a hurting heart. Rusty tries really hard to apologize ASAP if he has said or done something to hurt my feelings. I wasn’t very good at it at first, but he set a great example that I am trying to follow! It’s easy to forgive someone who is sincerely sorry. The sooner you apologize, the less hurt and bitterness take root!

#7 – Try to have weekly ‘date nights’. This is a habit I learned from my Aunt Tammy & Uncle Grant (who have an AWESOME marriage!) Even when they are super busy (like when he went back to college at 40 & she took a job to support him, or when he commutes crazy distances to 2 jobs), they still make time once a week for a date night. Rusty and I have tried to do the same thing this year (though sometimes it’s just frozen pizza & renting a movie 😉 Even though we work from home and are around each other all day, we’ve realized that just because you are WITH each other, doesn’t mean you’re spending QUALITY TIME together! I think this will be even more important once we have kids, so I’m glad we’re getting into the habit now!

#8 – Learn each other’s Love Language. This is a BIG one. If you’ve never heard of ‘love languages’ before, I would advise you to take this quiz and read this book! The 5 love languages are: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, and acts of service. (read more here) Figuring out each other’s love language has been SO important to how we relate to each other. For example, one of my big love languages is GIFTS. I love to give meaningful gifts, and I love to receive them. Unfortunately, that love language doesn’t even register on Rusty’s radar! He just doesn’t function that way! Similarly, Rusty’s major love language is ACTS of SERVICE, which is the one I am the WORST at. We had to learn each other’s love language, and we have to really put forth effort to speak it. Rusty tries really hard to buy me little gifts (like flowers) when he would rather just wash my car. I really want to buy Rusty gifts, but he feels MUCH more loved if I do the dishes instead. You have to learn to communicate your love in the right language… otherwise years will pass with one of you speaking Chinese and the other Russian; neither understanding each other at all!

#9 – Remember to affirm each other. Whether ‘words of affirmation’ are your love language or not, it is important to affirm your spouse. Every night I try to tell Rusty specific things I love about him or am thankful for (even if he’s already half asleep! haha!) He has admitted recently that this is something he’s working on; he thinks great things about me all the time, but often forgets to say them. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Remember to encourage and affirm each other often… and say “I love you” every night!