Can I be honest here?

I hope so... because I feel like I need to give you all an honest update. This isn't a cry for help or a plea for your sympathy, I just want to offer you some honesty and vulnerability.

Since we moved to Michigan, I have been in a difficult season of life. Some people call it "Winter", some call it "The Desert", others call it the "Dark Night of the Soul". Whatever you call it, it's hard. It's one of those seasons when you feel alone, when it seems like your prayers bounce off the ceiling.... when life is full of discouragement.... when it seems there are no opportunities on the horizon and it feels like everything you touch is unsuccessful.

They can happen no matter what's going on in your life.... even when you are a newlywed who's madly in love with your husband... even when your marriage is going well... even if you have a new community who welcomes you with open arms... even if you have thousands of things to be thankful for - when God decides to take you into a winter season, it happens no matter what you're feeling or planning.  I'm pretty sure mine is going to last through the end of 2010. Two years of "winter". The first year was the worst; the second is proving to be a tiny bit easier (I guess I'm starting to 'thaw out' ;) but I don't see a definite end in sight yet. God is teaching me some things, and I think He's planning on taking the full 2 years to do it. Who knows? He might even take longer.

So what on EARTH was I thinking starting a non-profit in this "dark, winter" time?! (and in a time of economic recession too!)

I've asked myself that question a lot lately. I know God told us to move forward, and I felt complete peace about all the decisions we've made to start The Sound of Hope as our own non-profit... but that doesn't mean it's been successful! I thought because God told us to do this, and we were operating in HIS timing, this thing would take off. Immediate success - that's what I thought. God would give us His blessing, provision, and everything would fall into place! Instead, the past few months have been very discouraging. Instead of 2 steps forward and 1 step back, I've felt more like I'm taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back! Plans have changed or fallen through. People have let me down. Things have taken longer than they should. New expenses keep piling up and very few people have given toward our needs. We've been faced with lots of setbacks (and discouragement).

In the midst of it all I have cried out, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING GOD?! Did I hear you wrong? Didn't you tell us to start this? Didn't you tell me to move forward? Didn't you tell us to step out in faith? Didn't you tell me you wanted to use me to care for orphans around the world? What about these children God?"

He didn't reply audibly (I'd probably pee my pants if He did!) but He did reply.

"Hmm... Ericka, did you ever think that maybe I want to prove to you that I am in control, not you? Did you ever think that maybe I'm going to continue to allow setbacks and discouragements, so that I can then appear in your lowest time and bring unexplainable success? Did you consider that maybe I am letting your efforts fail so that I can be the HERO? So that my glory can be displayed in this difficult process? You know how I like to meet your needs at the 11th hour.... and you also know that everyone must go through a time of testing to produce the growth they need to be great.

Remember what happened to Jesus after his time in the desert?

Remember what happened to Job at his darkest hour?

Remember what happened to Noah?

Remember what happened to David after he ran for his life and hid in the caves?

Remember what happened to Esther after her year of seclusion and preparation?

*sigh. Right. Of course. This is how you work, right God? You'd think after following you my whole life I'd have figured that out. Forgive me for complaining; what I'm going through is nothing like what any of your servants in the Bible went through! Forgive me for my lack of faith. Forgive me for the (many) weak moments when I want to give up! Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone in my "winter season". You're holding my hand as I walk through the desert. You're standing beside me in the dark. You have a perfect plan, and you WILL come through at the perfect moment. You will not let Your plans fail (because these are Your plans after all)... you will not forsake me, you have not forgotten the orphans around the world. You will provide! YOU are in control! Thanks for the reminder God....