This blog is to apologize to all of you – my friends, roommates, youth pastors, small group leaders, and college ministers. I owe you a sincere apology for being an HMF – High Maintenance Friend.
You may be laughing right now- thinking, “of course Ericka was High Maintenance! She was a pageant girl after all!” but that’s not what I’m referring to here. I’m talking about being one of those people that those in ministry CRINGE every time they see you coming… I’m talking about being one of those people who is always in some type of life crisis- who’s a crumbling mess; crying, needing counseling, needing to POUR their HEART OUT, needing to be dire
cted and advised and listened to… needing, needing, NEEDING you.
cted and advised and listened to… needing, needing, NEEDING you.Let me stop here and say- I’m not condemning being broken or in need. I’m not condemning vulnerability, or those who need counseling. (As a matter of fact, I think counseling is a GREAT thing! It’s a way to get back to a healthy place mentally and emotionally. We live in a fallen world and we go through some terrible struggles and circumstances that we DO need help with.) What I’m talking about is different though. I’m referring to the individuals who just can’t ever seem to deal with anything, and who seem to need 200% of your time, energy, and patience every single time you see them.
It’s those people who don’t really understand or grasp their identity in Christ- and if they do, they aren’t walking in it. It’s those people who have never learned how to be a steadfast man or woman of God.
I was one of those people most of my life.
No doubt I completely drained those closest to me – especially my friends and college ministers. BLESS YOUR HEARTS for being there anyways. I’m so sorry for dumping all my trash on you, for asking you to FIX everything, and for just sucking the life out of you! Bless you for your patience and love! As I find myself on the other side of things, I see that often I don’t have enough patience for those HMFs in my life (funny isn’t it? This is why God says “to him who much is given, much is required”! – Luke 12:48)
So I want to take a minute to figure out what makes an HMF – and how to help them (or you) get to the other side. Let’s define some things:
What’s Healthy:
- Vulnerable & Open – I really appreciate open, honest, vulnerable people. People who are humble enough to say, “Hey, I’m struggling. I don’t have it all together.” When we’re honest with ourselves and others, we release people into the freedom of being who they are. It’s learning that “It’s okay to be NOT okay”. Seth Barnes just wrote a blog about that here.
- Sensitive & Emotional – this is often a tag put on “feelers” or “criers”. I’m STILL one of those! It’s just how God made me and THAT’S OK! These are often personality traits for individuals with the gift of mercy, empathy, and compassion. And of course, as women sometimes we just get emotional for no real reason (sorry guys- but it’s true! we’re just weird sometimes!)
- Verbal processor– some of us are just verbal processors. Nothing is wrong with that! Again- it’s how God made you (and me). I’ll always be a “talker”, it’s just who I am. That’s why God blesses us with community; it’s good for me to talk to people about things (as long as I’m going to the Lord for my answers!)
What’s Unhealthy:
- Needy & Desperate – I was this for most of my life (and can still get that way in weak moments). You’re an emotional mess; you’re absolutely falling apart. Not because something tragic happened (then it’s understandable!) – just because ANYTHING happened. Everything makes you crumble. And everything requires 5 of your closest friends and your minister/group leader/counselor to sit for hours and ‘work through it with you’.
- Verbal Vomit – requiring someone to listen to you for hours and hours as you just verbally vomit on them. You throw out every single thought, feeling, struggle, hypothetical situation and question (you know, all those things you should be taking to the Lord) to them. You haven’t worked through ANY of it with God, but you’re going to spit every single bit of it out on your friend so they can deal with it WITH you.
- Playing the Victim – everything that happens to you is always someone else’s fault. You expect much from others without ever taking personal responsibility. “Preferring others” only applies to others preferring you. Everyone is against you. You’re quick to point fingers and always expect others to take your point of view (It’s your way or the wrong way). Instead of humility, grace, and seeing the best in others, you practice self-righteousness, condemnation, and seek justice.
- Defiling – also known as ‘venting’. Now I’m one who does believe we need some venting/discussion to deal with difficult people and situations in life, but wow do we have to be careful of where our heart is in it! If we’re just bashing someone else to make us feel better (pride), or seeking to be justified (as if we deserve that?!) then something is wrong. This can tear apart ministries, communities, and churches. (Hebrews 12:15)
What’s the big problem here?
Looking for people to be God. Looking for people to “fix” everything and to be your source of judgment, truth, encouragement, and direction. A friend in my college campus ministry once said it this way: “Do I run to The Throne before I run to the phone?” We have to learn to take things to the throne of our Almighty, Sovereign, Loving Father before seeking worldly ways to ‘fix it’.
This summer while leading in Africa, God gave me a way to handle HMF – or HMS (High Maintenance Students). This was our “rule”-
If, at any time, you are going through something difficult – this is how we’ll handle it. You will come to me, and tell me any lies that you are hearing from the enemy. I will rebuke those specific lies, and speak truth over you. I will hug you, tell you I love you, and pray over you. And then – we will NOT process through anything. I will send you away for at least half an hour with your journal to spend time ALONE with God. You will ask Him how to deal with whatever you’re going through, and what He’s trying to teach you. You will listen to His voice, and journal anything you’re feeling or thinking, or what God is revealing. THEN, and only then, you’ll come back to me so that we can process things and work through it together (based on what God told you).
The great thing was – I had a fantastic team, and was only there for a month- so we never really had a need to put this into play. Still, I think it’s going to be my ‘go to’ plan for the future in any ministry I do. Otherwise, I will be tempted to take on too much of other people’s burdens (that the Lord should be handling) and I’ll also be put in a position of “fixing” things, instead of directing people back to hear the voice of God. In my opinion, THAT is real love – saying to someone “I can’t fix you, but I know who can…let me help you hear Him.”
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. And for all of you who fear you may be a High Maintenance Friend- don’t worry! I’m no expert, but having been there, I think figured out a way to get to the other side. If you want to hear what God’s been teaching me about that- stay tuned for my next blog – “Becoming a Steadfast Woman of God”!
*Let me say now, this blog is not meant to be judgmental- or to cause condemnation or bondage in your life. It’s me repenting of a huge issue I had in my life, and is meant to encourage you to seek God above everyone else and to get your identity from HIM! And for my friends- if you ever see me slipping back into the HMF category, please just grab me, shake me, and lovingly tell me to STOP IT!
Wow! Excellent look into your life and what God’s been teaching you. I had no idea all this was bouncing around in your head. I’m excited to see you learning these lessons. They are not easy to learn, but you well be well served for learning these truths in the future.
I love you baby!
Very sound advice. Thanks for sharing a glimpse into where you are with this.
“God appoints our graces to be nurses to other men’s weaknesses.” Henry Beecher
Thanks again for opening this thought process. I needed a big fat dose of this.
Dearest Ericka,
I wouldn’t have changed or traded in our friendship no matter what. I am a better person for knowing you, and every time you cross my mind I smile because God has blessed me with your friendship! I’m glad you’re learning, but I hope you know that you were NEVER a burden or hard to be friends with – I think just the opposite. Yeah, We BOTH were busy, so we didn’t get to hang out as much as we’d like, but what fun we had when we did! Even unto the WEEE hours of the morning! AND I miss you!!!
Love your friend
always,
BJ
Ericka,
This was just what I needed today. I always try to take care or “fix” everything by myself, and when I can’t I become a HMF and go to someone else. Thank you for all your encouragement. You are such an inspiration to me and I love you.
Lisha
Ericka,
This post is one that just steps all over toes, and once again, I feel as though this post is exactly what I needed to hear. I feel as though there is a fine line between getting our strength from our brothers and sisters in Christ and in getting our strenght from Christ himself. When there is too much dependence on people, then we have issues. I’ve told myself over and over again that having my friends to lean on are great (which you are) but the Father is the only one who will consistently and always be guranteed to be there for me.
Very, very wise thoughts, and again, I’m so proud that I’m able to call you ‘friend.’
Katie
P.S. Promise us though that you will still always be a little high mantinence. 🙂
I’m with Allison – this was excellent. Thanks, Ericka.
Precious Ericka,
How I needed to read this today! I’m always a little behind on your posts, but isn’t it amazing how God even uses my tardiness 🙂 to speak His wisdom through you! WOW! Your “rule” is going into effect today in my life. I think you are exactly right on all of these points. I think the world encourages us (especially women) to rely solely on each other. While a loyal friend is a blessing from God, we are setting ourselves up for failure when our Almighty Father has all the answers and wants us to be reliant on Him (not everyone else first!). Thank you AGAIN for your wisdom and insight on a subject that cut me lovingly to the core. And FYI… you never drained me of energy! You are a shining light of encouragement! You were my energizer bunny! I miss you and love you with all my heart! I am so thankful for your friendship and blessed to know you! Excellent post!
I may steal this from you….this is good stuff!