For all of you expecting to hear an "Africa" story- about the kids or the people or the ministry – sorry- that's not what you'll get today. What the next 3 blogs are about is what God is teaching me now, about my identity in Him. I've fought with whether or not to post them, and decided to go ahead, with hopes that my vulnerability will allow God to use me to break strongholds and bring freedom in the life of someone reading. 

Those are three words I NEVER thought I would say! I'm a "pageant girl" after all... and very much a "girly-girl" – I LIKE makeup! If you asked me if why I wear it all the time, I'd tell you I enjoy it, and argue that my identity isn't in it...

but I'd be lying.

Now let me stop here and say – I'm not bashing pageants – because my experiences competing have been a blessing in my life and have grown me in amazing ways.   I'm also not going to go bashing makeup or jewelry or nice clothes – I'm a woman who enjoys getting all dressed up and I don't think there's anything wrong with that! There is, however, something wrong with ANYTHING that determines your identity apart from God.

Flawless. That was my identity. Or at least it's what I tried to be – it's the image I tried to uphold. I feared rejection and thought acceptance came because of my image. And so – I tried to always be flawless – every hair in place and my makeup perfect. If there was a flaw I could hide it was quickly hidden away, because surely I'd be rejected if anyone else ever figured out I wasn't really perfect!

I was "that girl" throughout high-school and college. I tried to break it once or twice – tried to prove I COULD go out without makeup... but instead of the people in my life confirming what I wanted to believe (that I was acceptable without makeup), people just made hurtful comments that hammered home what I already believed about myself – that I'm not beautiful without makeup. That lie from the enemy became truth in my life. I became enslaved.

When it came time to lead this trip, we were asked to fast something. I listened to all the options- sweets, certain foods, a mirror, makeup – - "Makeup?!" I thought. "I'll NEVER fast that. Surely I can find something else...."  

But God had other plans.

It took one of my beautiful girls getting vulnerable with me for God to break me. I had two that were fasting makeup, and one poured out her heart to me explaining all the reasons why. As she shared, I tried to comfort her and speak truth over her... but when I left the room I was in tears. Partially because my heart was broken for her and the bondage she was in...but mostly because I knew I was still in the same bondage myself.

It was then that I realized – if I was going to be able to really minister to my girls – to take them deeper with the Lord – then I had to be willing to go there myself first. I knew I had a choice. Would I stay comfortable and lead from a distance? Would I stay in bondage? Or would I let God break me? Would I get uncomfortable – do something hard, and lead them by example? Would I walk through this with them?

That night, through tears, I made a choice. I chose to walk that road with them. I chose to get uncomfortable. I chose to go deeper.