Beloved

In the midst of my struggles with rejection, criticism, and abandonment – this is the question I have found myself asking. I’ve asked it often, especially over the past week.

The enemy longs to lie to me and to you- to steal our joy, to break out hearts, to corrupt our identity. He is crafty, and he’s evil. He will use every resource. He will use strangers, friends, family, and even our own thoughts.

In the midst of my tears last week, I found myself asking “God, who do YOU say I am?” I asked it again and again, and I waited. I could hear truth in my mind, but it was nothing thrilling. It was everything I knew I was supposed to think and supposed to hear, but none of it was what my heart longed for… none of it could break through my pain.

Still I asked with all my heart… “God, who do YOU say I am?”

Silence.

I waited.

God WHY AREN’T YOU SPEAKING?! WHY CAN’T I HEAR YOU?! I’m struggling here God, and I’m asking you—I don’t need you to write it in lightening across the sky, I just need a word I KNOW is from you- please God, won’t you speak?

That night I came home to find my book by my bed “Come Away My Beloved”. I’ve been reading it off and on for months, but tonight the title really struck me. Beloved. “Wow”, I thought… “God is that who I am? Couldn’t you have given me that word God?” True, it was in front of me, on a book cover… but I still wasn’t hearing His voice. I still felt silence… and disappointment.

Three nights later, I drove a South African friend to Auburn for a visit. There, the enemy met me with another difficult night- more rejection and abandonment (even in the midst of so many friends!) I left in tears, and again found myself asking as I drove back to Georgia, “God, who do YOU say I am?”

It was 4am when we got back the house we were staying at in GA. My friend showed me to my room for the night. I stopped, wide-eyed, staring at the pillow waiting in the middle of my bed.

BELOVED. Of all the words in all the world, this was the word waiting for me. Maybe you think it’s silly, but for me, it was as real as any love note. I couldn’t believe it! I kept looking at the pillow. My African friend informed me, “this is just from God for you” as she touched the pillow and told me goodnight.

Here it was, the evidence of His pursuit. Written before me, I couldn’t mistake it. He knew my heart was broken, and He was on a mission to mend it. To tell me who I am. To pursue me and to tell me I am His Beloved.

I could feel the change in my heart already. The rest it was bringing… I sighed and whispered a prayer of thanks and walked into the bathroom to wash my face…

I can almost hear Him laughing- “Oh, my beautiful Beloved, did you think that was it?”

There on the towel was monogrammed- Psalm 139:14

Wow. Okay God, I’ve been asking “Who do you say I am”- and you are answering! Thank you Lord! I turned to the sink, feeling even better.

That’s when I saw it. A little sign beside the sink that said…

I laughed out loud. I couldn’t help it. “Okay Lord! I get it! THIS is who YOU say I am!”
Fearfully and wonderfully made, and beautiful in Your eyes. I am Your BELOVED.

I let it wash over me, completely overwhelmed at His pursuit. Who am I? Rejected, criticized and abandoned by the world… yes. But to the Creator of the Universe, the King of Kings, the Greatest Lover, I am worth pursuing. I have a heart worth fighting for, and He is fighting fearlessly! I am His Beloved and He is mine!