My mom called this morning to tell me my great-grandmother passed away.

I cried. I knew it was coming, but I cried anyway. I'm tired of death. That sounds silly, but it's how I feel. I lost 4 loved ones in a 10 month period during high school. I sang in 2 funerals in a month. Since then I've lost several others I was close to, including (just 2 months ago) my Aunt Ellen whom I loved dearly.

And now, Grandmother. Now, at 23, I only have one grandparent left.

It hurts. It hurts because I'll miss her; because I miss all the loved ones I've lost. It hurts because it's permanent. It hurts because I'm tired of funerals. I'm tired of this black thread that keeps weaving it's way through my life.

And mostly, it hurts because I'm selfish.

All those are selfish reasons.

Of course we want to keep our loved ones here! Of course we don't want to deal with the pain of saying goodbye. But there's no coincidence that the last blog I wrote was about love. The quote was "Selfishness seeks comfort. Love endures pain."

Selfishly, we want to keep them here. But love understands their suffering and let's them go.

Love also knows where they are going. I still remember one of my best friends' mom's funerals. I was with him during all the visitation (because after so many nights at so many funeral homes, I know how hard it is to be alone). All of a sudden, one of our friends walked up, wrapped him in a hug and said, "Challas, I'm SO jealous of your Mom right now!"

WHAT?! His Mom was DEAD! I wanted to SLAP HER!

But then, she continued. "I'm so jealous of her, because right now, your Mom is with Jesus!"

What beautiful perspective she had, and what a beautiful reminder in times of loss! In selfishness we would keep them here, but love... love let's them go to a place where there is no more pain... love lets them go to the arms of our Savior.

Please keep my family in your prayers during this time. Please pray for comfort,  and please pray that this will be a time of celebration for the life of a woman who loved the Lord very much!